With a nature's call at 3:30am on Sunday morning. On wiping, brown discharge was found, 3 times in a row.
Nothing on pad in the morning. But each toilet visit, the brown discharge was there. By noon, on washing, few clots of red and brown discharge bout 2 inches went down the drain. Still nothing on pad.
It is Sunday night now, 9:30pm, still the same. Brown discharge on washing but nothing on panties (pad removed). Should I start on the antibiotics now? Gosh, wished i could call up to ask!!!
Gotta put a few pads in my bag for the office tomorrow.
Mon, 11 Jun: this morning the discharge turned black. Went to KKH just to be sure everything is okay. Very giddy. 24-hrs clinic doctor on duty was emphatic, said expect miscarriage any day now, and yes to start antibiotics. She covered me with medical leave til Thursday.
Tue, 12 Jun, evening: The pain begins. The cramps started at dinner time. Lasted til bed time, was turning and groaning on sofa for fear of waking Ning.
Wed, 13 Jun, 4:30am: Woke up with urge to use toilet. Saw red looking over tummy. Went to bathroom to wash. On squatting, many clumps of liver like tissues fell out with gush of blood. Kept the water running til the drainage hole was covered. Every time i stood up, i felt something flow down legs. Had to squat again.
This carried on for almost an hour. Lougong checked on me, i was afraid he would fear seeing the tissues, but luckily he did check. I was shaking. He brought in the potty to sit. Thats when i passed out the largest piece, the amniotic sac, shaped and size like the fat Taiwanese sausage.
Tried to dress up and get back to sleep about 6:00 am, but as I laid down on a newspaper lined sofa, pool of blood emerged again. I'm just amazed at how much tissues and blood the body can eject. Threw the panties and night dress away. Finally changed into Ning's diaper and disposable panties and slept til Ning woke at about 7:30am. Lougong had to send her to school so he can take care of me and other things later.
When he left i called the crematorium, undertaker and KKH. The undertaker thought Singapore hospitals were like the US, did mass cremations for fetuses and sea burials. Cost to do it ourselves with prayers around $750 ($50 cremation; coffin $450; $250 prayers). And we needed the doctors permit to cremate. So we went to KKH and checked the rites out.
Doctor recommended admission and 'washing' procedure, but I want to let nature complete its course at home. She relented. They checked the fetus remains handling, confirmed that it'll be discarded as bio hazard wastes. We asked for permit to cremate. On return, i slept til it was time for Lougong to fetch Ning. Realized i haven't felt the urge to pass urine all day. Drank more red date and ginger water. Lougong arranged the body collection tomorrow at 9:00am.
That night, I distinctly hear something drop on the potty after Ning slept. I passed it out into the potty the morning. I was afraid for Ning. Just wanted this nightmare to be over.
:"(
14 Jun: A man came with some NEA forms to sign and then returned with a big plastic box for my little one's body. We put it in a small white box and wrapped it up with plastic, just in case it shed any more blood or fluids. We had to wait til evening for the cremation slot.
Attended the chanting by a Buddhist monk at Toa Payoh, near Toyogo warehouse. Then Lougong went with them to the Mandai Crematorium for final prayers and actual cremation. They had a box of HL milk with straw on the little coffin.
I went to take Ning home.
15 Jun: We went to collect the ashes from Mandai, there was barely any, at most half a teaspoonful. Then we went out to scattered the ashes at sea.
Fast forward, 1 month later:
I haven't been sleeping well. The dreams of the experience kept haunting me, replay and replay. It is very hard for me to sleep.
In the days before, I kept myself busy, housekeeping, watch dramas, online shopping, houskeeping, shopping. But the nights kept me tortured.
With scarcely enough sleep, I held on to fact I have to be a good Mum to Ning. I had whacked her once, so hard and so long, for not eating that I broke down. I just lost it. My neighbour's new born baby's cries make me cry. People laughing outside / nearby. I want to cry. My mind is devoid of reasoning, just emotions.
Am back at work and trying to hold it together, but it's difficult.
This place reminds me of the stress I went thru before we discovered the fetus heart had stopped beating. How long before this nightmare is over?
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