So it begins... Sun, 10 Jun 2012

With a nature's call at 3:30am on Sunday morning. On wiping, brown discharge was found, 3 times in a row.

Nothing on pad in the morning. But each toilet visit, the brown discharge was there. By noon, on washing, few clots of red and brown discharge bout 2 inches went down the drain. Still nothing on pad.

It is Sunday night now, 9:30pm, still the same. Brown discharge on washing but nothing on panties (pad removed). Should I start on the antibiotics now? Gosh, wished i could call up to ask!!!

Gotta put a few pads in my bag for the office tomorrow.

Mon, 11 Jun: this morning the discharge turned black. Went to KKH just to be sure everything is okay. Very giddy. 24-hrs clinic doctor on duty was emphatic, said expect miscarriage any day now, and yes to start antibiotics. She covered me with medical leave til Thursday.

Tue, 12 Jun, evening: The pain begins. The cramps started at dinner time. Lasted til bed time, was turning and groaning on sofa for fear of waking Ning.

Wed, 13 Jun, 4:30am: Woke up with urge to use toilet. Saw red looking over tummy. Went to bathroom to wash. On squatting, many clumps of liver like tissues fell out with gush of blood. Kept the water running til the drainage hole was covered. Every time i stood up, i felt something flow down legs. Had to squat again.

This carried on for almost an hour. Lougong checked on me, i was afraid he would fear seeing the tissues, but luckily he did check. I was shaking. He brought in the potty to sit. Thats when i passed out the largest piece, the amniotic sac, shaped and size like the fat Taiwanese sausage.

Tried to dress up and get back to sleep about 6:00 am, but as I laid down on a newspaper lined sofa, pool of blood emerged again. I'm just amazed at how much tissues and blood the body can eject. Threw the panties and night dress away. Finally changed into Ning's diaper and disposable panties and slept til Ning woke at about 7:30am. Lougong had to send her to school so he can take care of me and other things later.

When he left i called the crematorium, undertaker and KKH. The undertaker thought Singapore hospitals were like the US, did mass cremations for fetuses and sea burials. Cost to do it ourselves with prayers around $750 ($50 cremation; coffin $450; $250 prayers). And we needed the doctors permit to cremate. So we went to KKH and checked the rites out.

Doctor recommended admission and 'washing' procedure, but I want to let nature complete its course at home. She relented. They checked the fetus remains handling, confirmed that it'll be discarded as  bio hazard wastes. We asked for permit to cremate. On return, i slept til it was time for Lougong to fetch Ning. Realized i haven't felt the urge to pass urine all day. Drank more red date and ginger water. Lougong arranged the body collection tomorrow at 9:00am.

That night, I distinctly hear something drop on the potty after Ning slept. I passed it out into the potty the morning. I was afraid for Ning. Just wanted this nightmare to be over.

:"(

14 Jun: A man came with some NEA forms to sign and then returned with a big plastic box for my little one's body. We put it in a small white box and wrapped it up with plastic, just in case it shed any more blood or fluids. We had to wait til evening for the cremation slot.

Attended the chanting by a Buddhist monk at Toa Payoh, near Toyogo warehouse. Then Lougong went with them to the Mandai Crematorium for final prayers and actual cremation. They had a box of HL milk with straw on the little coffin.

I went to take Ning home.

15 Jun: We went to collect the ashes from Mandai, there was barely any, at most half a teaspoonful. Then we went out to scattered the ashes at sea.

Fast forward, 1 month later:
I haven't been sleeping well. The dreams of the experience kept haunting me, replay and replay. It is very hard for me to sleep.

In the days before, I kept myself busy, housekeeping, watch dramas, online shopping, houskeeping, shopping. But the nights kept me tortured.

With scarcely enough sleep, I held on to fact I have to be a good Mum to Ning. I had whacked her once, so hard and so long, for not eating that I broke down. I just lost it. My neighbour's new born baby's cries make me cry. People laughing outside / nearby. I want to cry. My mind is devoid of reasoning, just emotions.

Am back at work and trying to hold it together, but it's difficult.

This place reminds me of the stress I went thru before we discovered the fetus heart had stopped beating. How long before this nightmare is over?

Ning bawled at Chicken Little

Chicken Little and his dad were walking home sad because dad didn't believe Little about the sky falling.
The scene was long and drawn out with sad music.
Suddenly, Ning bawled out crying!
She felt the sadness and hopelessness that was portrayed and kept crying inconsolably until the commercials were over and Chicken Little woke up to school.
In this respect, I'm proud to say she's like me!!! :-D

Second Week @ "School"

This week, Ning's having more fun and some food at "school".

Though this is only the second week she's in child care, Mummy's learnt to let go more. I spied on her at meal times, and found she was getting on fine with the other children. The teacher even told me something amusing. She was "cooking" with the toys and offered her friends the food she made, and they "ate" them :) The teachers, as I was told, were hiding and peeping at this game as they were so amused.

Ning may be the youngest toddler in the playgroup, but she's making waves. She's got a sweet smile and she says words that some of the slightly older children don't even know yet. Mummy wrote as much about her in the little communication booklet as I can, holding back, in case the teachers found it too long winded. And I think that it helps, because now, I can see the teachers see her in a different light.

Today, before the children can eat, the teacher told them, as usual, to "put your hands on your lap", and say, "Join us teachers, join us friends. Lao shi qing chi, Da jia qing chi." The latter is Mandarin for, "Teachers, please tuck in, everyone, please tuck in." And I can hear the teacher sound so surprise and loudly said, "Very good, Ning can say already!"  I must say, I learnt this phrase and repeated it to her only twice at dinner time. She must've caught on pretty quickly.

I went to feed her at lunch today, and skipped feeding at tea time, because yesterday, I saw her eat the biscuits and dipped them into the milk. I still went to sneak a peek, and she was cheerfully pulling the cheese out of the bread and biting off tiny pieces. At lunch, she's already eaten half a bowl of the mushroom spaghetti by the time I arrived. Still, she had a little breast milk and was pulling toys off the shelf to play with already, until it was her shower time.

At my lunch time, I stole a peek on my way back, and she was sleeping with the rest of the children.

At knock off, she was on the "bus" (a 6 seater push chair), pointing to things and saying things. When she saw me, she wanted "off" immediately. And asked for milk on the sofa.

Another teacher told me, that she was quite amused that such a young age, she can choose. She was asked, "Do you want to call Papa? Do you want to call Mummy?" And guess which she chose? Mummy! Hahaha, smart girl!

I was concerned that the school didn't really have any curricula for the groups below kindergarten levels, which was 5 and 6 years old and was going to suggest enrichment classes in-house. Then, I received a letter from the Principal that they are reviewing the curricula in a partnership with the Little Skool House International! They'll be briefing us on 1 Jun! And doing some minor renovations come August! Hurrah!

My little girl IS going to learn more than independence in this "school" after all!

I just hope soon!

Early Goodbye, Long Goodnight

Tonight, Mummy explained to Ning that Ah Mah is going back to Malaysia tomorrow. She'll have to say "bye bye" then. It took slightly more than a few seconds for the message to sink in (no thanks to BabyTV in the background). Then, she went to Ah Mah arms open and headed for her, but Ah Mah told her "Ah Mah is dirty, don't need to hug (me)".

Ning looked so taken aback and hurt. Then she backed off and said "bye bye" sadly.

I immediately asked Ah Mah, which is more important, a little bit of "dirt" or saying "I don't want to hug you". Disappointingly, Ah Mah says, it's okay, when Ning grows up she'll understand. I'm so sad. She thinks it's okay to hurt her now, then when she grows up, she'll need to understand why her Ah Mah doesn't want to hug her.

Later on, when it was time for bed, she automatically went to kiss Papa (on the waist, as he was having dinner at the table) goodnight. Audibly. "Muack". Then waved and said "bye bye" while walking away. And repeated this six times before Mummy whisked her away into the bedroom. This time, she didn't go to Ah Mah. I guess she's been turned away too many times before...

Ning shows empathy watching BabyTV

I've noticed her demonstrating exaggerated emotions like coughing/crying sometimes while watching TV. I thought she was sleepy and acting up at first. Then, I watched closer.

I saw her watch a bird being kicked by the hippo (by accident), and it fell over. It was suppose to be funny, but she coughed and "cried". Not long afterwards, Humpty Dumpty came on. The ball knocked Humpty Dumpty off the wall and off came his hat and he looked sad. Then she did it again! It's like she's telling Mummy, "Oh no! Humpty Dumpty fell down."

I wonder when she'll start trying to hit the "bad" characters on the TV, like the hippo. 

*grin*

Afternote (29 Apr 2011):

Today, the nursery rhyme came up again. This time, Ning is visibly and certainly distressed. She was already shouting out in distress before the ball hit Humpty Dumpty. I had to assure her that the fairy will make him alright at the end to prevent the tears from falling.

Slightly earlier, while watching "Love" ("Ai"), the foster mother was giving away the baby boy back to his birth mother, and the baby boy was crying and reaching for the foster mother and father. She stood in front of the television and pointed at the boy and at both parents, as if telling them and me, that he wants the foster parents to carry him! And she pulled Mummy to the television. I explained that the foster mother is very ill and may die, so she couldn't take care of him. She has to return him to his birth mother to care. Then she didn't pursue the matter anymore.

Whoa, complex!!!

First really awkward/disappointment situation with Ning

Last Saturday, something really awkward happened.

We were told weeks earlier, by our good friend, Kakak, her Mum was planning a birthday party and inviting us and the other neighbour with 3 kids.

Mummy was preparing Ning for the big day once we were told of the intent. Saying what a birthday party was, there'll be the birthday girl, lots of presents for the birthday girl, and cake, and lots of playing and laughing. We even went to pick out the birthday gift together, saying how she'll give it to the birthday girl. We'll put on a pretty dress and go over with the present and wish her "Happy Birthday!".

Up to the day itself, Kakak did not say anything afterwards, nor did her parents. So we assumed the party was still on. When the guests were arriving, lots of family members, we were surprised at the growing "small" party and thought we'd just stay half an hour at most for Ning to "party" with her Kakaks and Abang, then leave. We even asked Kakak, when she'll be expecting us over, we'll shower and come on cue.

When the last guests / family members arrived, Mummy was worried we were unfashionably late, so Mummy sent an SMS to Kakak. The reply came as a shocker for Mummy. Kakak says her Mum says there were too many guests already and Kakak cannot invite us over. The invitation was purely from Kakak. 

There was a gross miscommunication. Mummy should've checked with Kakak's Mum earlier. 

Now Mummy had the MOST DIFFICULT task of letting Ning down, that we weren't invited, she'd have to take off the party dress (Papa is really mean, we could've kept it on and went out to KFC in it), and we're not joining in the fun. Ning didn't cry, but she ignored Mummy, ignored the party hat and mask that Kakak brought over earlier. She ignored Kakak. I think, inside, she doesn't really know how to react. It is the first time she felt sour and ignored us. I suggested we went to KFC, which was one of her favourite places, for dinner to ease the pain. Put her on her overalls.

On the way out, she saw the party hat, reached for it. Mummy asked if she wanted Mummy to help put it on, she shook her head and swiped her hands at it, indicating she doesn't want it.

When we went out, she looked the other way, away from Kakak's house. I guessed she was still sad.

When we were almost at the lift lobby, Kakak called, to give us cake. Initially, I thought she wanted to ask us over, I didn't want Ning to be subjected to disappointment again, so I said, "It's ok, we're going out already!". Ning didn't want to walk back, even when Mummy had to go back to get the cake from Kakak.

At KFC, she ate and drank very little. Mummy's heart broken.

I felt like I shouldn't have let this kind of thing happen, especially when she's so young and understands what is going on.

We haven't had the chance to play with Kakak or Abang recently, since Popo and Gong Gong's visit, but I hope she'll still remember how happy she was playing with Kakak and Abang and not remember the incident for too long. Maybe I should throw the unpleasant reminders of a party hat and mask away, just in case.

Ning's first independent somersault, in fit of anger

Ning was sleepy, we just returned from a long walk after breakfast.

To cut a long story short, she threw a fit today! For almost half an hour.

She was already sleep deficient and hungry. Mummy made it worse by bringing her to shower despite her protests. After that, she was inconsolable. She wouldn't latch on or lie down still. Even when carried, she was crying and all communications was down. So was sobbing. Mummy braved the teeth, and stuffed one nipple in, and she finally suckled to sleep.

But, before that, when I laid her down on bed, she pulled her butt up so high, hands and feet down, that she rolled over her head! She paused, surprised for a while, she'd probably laugh and try again under normal circumstances, but then, she didn't. Sigh.

I held her in my arms for full half an hour before moving her onto the bed and she suckled some more. We only slept 1 hour before she woke up and asked "ball?" Tried to nurse her to sleep again, but she was rolling about and asking for Popo and Gong Gong already.

She finally slept at 6:00pm, I'm so thankful. Hopefully she'd recover from sleep deprivation. We couldn't sleep at the chalet on Sunday because all around, people were barbecuing till midnight, and after that, our neighbors were playing mahjong till dawn! We checked out yesterday, skipping one night of paid accommodation for our sanity!

Yesterday, was almost perfect!

We watched just under 45 minutes (in 3 sessions) of BabyTV. Morning, when Mummy was preparing breakfast and Papa needs to get ready for work. Another session to feed her, after that we watched a yoga DVD, she joined in when the guy in Yoga Journal did the Downward Dog pose. After that, Mummy did another 15 minutes of Paula Abdul's "Get up and dance" workout DVD. She also danced, her own style :)

After that, we played together, her toys, played hide and seek with her toys, pretend to feed, toilet and wash the hair for her Baby Pooh and Mickey Mouse. Oh, she's funny at Guardian. Mummy pointed out shampoo for her, and she tapped under the spout, then put her hands on top of her hand, and swipes downwards a few times. She's indicating, shampoo is for washing hair. Mummy's delighted!

At night, she finished almost another bowl of vegetable soup. Earlier in the afternoon, a whole bowl with egg yolk. And in between, nibbled some strawberries, apples and mango, and then some yoghurt.

Today, I can't say the same. I smacked her buttocks 4 times because she poured out all the peas from the cup after I told her not to the first time. Then I asked her, do you want me to hit your buttocks? She nodded. I smacked her faster than I could regret it immediately after. She cried a little bit, more shocked than in pain. Mummy's very concern, I need more sleep, I'm losing my temper and finding her more challenging than I'd normally would. She's a real darling, and I shouldn't lose my temper and shout or hit her. After all, she's just 16 months old, what does she know right?

Bad Mummy. BAD Mummy.

Sad Mummy. Miserable Mummy.

Just not my day...

Ning wouldn't eat most of the foods I cooked from morning.

The only thing she'd eat was the broccoli, after which, she spew the florets all over the chair and floor.

While I was picking up the broccoli from under her high chair, she passed urine, which leaked through the holes for the seat belt and got my hair and face wet.

I was too tired to be angry or cry.

The broccoli was oily, because I cooked it after the soup was ready, so the floor was oily too.

Strapped her in her high chair, turned on BabyTV and mopped the whole house.

Later, she wouldn't pee during her 1.5 hr toilet break, ended up peeing on the alphabet mat.

Wipe again.

Cranky at 4pm, nursed her in the bed room. Rough housed her in bed and she finally had a nap from 5pm to 5:45pm.

Mummy's so sleepy. Mummy's going to sleep latest by 10pm tonight.

Good night, Lougong.

She drew a ball

And said ball!

After Note: She drew the other lines after the ball, defined as a circular/rounded line that connects to itself. It's not perfect, but hey, she's just 1!!!

Yesterday was 3rd day without wetting/soiling diaper

Yesterday was the third whole day she went without wetting/soiling her diaper!

I played safe, put her in a diaper cover for outings and sleep. She'd show signs of needing the toilet, and when placed on her pottete plus (over the adult toilet seat) she went! So far, she's passed motion 2 mornings and last night. I think she feels quite safe on the sturdy adult toilet and with the pottete plus as her seat, she can even fold / pull up her legs and hold onto the sides (of pottete handles) while straining.

It first started earlier this week when she'd wake up after 11pm until 7am, every hour and roll back and forth, not wanting to drink, but unable to sleep continuously. Mummy was very tired from lack of sleep. So I thought, no harm bringing her to the potty, if she wakes it's no worse than waking up every hour, but if she goes, I'd get a few hours of continuous sleep!

The first night, she went to sleep at 8pm. Mummy went in about 9:30pm. She woke at 11pm, latched on, then unlatched and started the rolling, whine, try to sleep, then repeat routine. So Mummy asked, "You want to go to the toilet is it?" She stared a while, surprised Mummy was talking to her in the middle of the night, then she nodded! So, "Mummy take of your nappy yeah..." and put her down in the toilet and she passed urine like a waterfall! After that, she fell fast asleep before Mummy was done fastening her diaper buttons! The next time she woke was 7am, latched on for a while, then toilet again, waterfall and passed motion! What a relief!

After toilet, I'd put her in pants, telling her she's a good girl and can use pants now that she uses the toilet! I let her choose, between cloth diaper or pants and she chose the latter. Sometimes she'd be creative and shake her head at both, then I'd just put her in pants.

So there! We're almost done toilet training! Mummy's so relieved she doesn't have to worry about wiping poo off Ning's buttocks and washing smelly poo-soiled diapers for much longer!

A note on letting go...

Some time ago, between the time when Ning was just starting to stand up by herself and the time she started to move her foot an inch or two forward, we started "letting go" of her hands. She usually complains a bit and sits down, but on the very rare occasion, she'd take a few steps.

Somehow, she let me know, I can't remember exactly how, that she doesn't like us "letting go", which was twisting our fingers out of her hands. It definitely did not feel good.

Try to hold someone else's finger very tight, and just because that person is stronger than you are, she twists it out of your hand. It feels really unkind. And she's holding on because she's afraid.

So Mummy made it a point to let her hold on as long as she likes and asks her to let go by herself. This way, she chooses.

At some point or other in the future, it'd be Mummy who'd be afraid she'd not want to hold Mummy's hand.

Better savour the moment while it lasts!

She walked across the living room last night

all by herself while holding Papa's phone. And a bit more. That's more than 10 steps!

She was at first holding Mummy's hand, and she wanted to hold on to Papa's phone which was playing her favourite song, "Happy Birthday". She was putting down the phone, then holding my hand, then picked it up and repeating this until Mummy said, you can let go and walk with Papa's phone, and she did!

10 little steps all on her own. That's one BIG STEP in her life!

Ning's Sporting Cheeky Looks

She'd clench her teeth and smile, as if she knows or plans something we're not aware of.

One word, cheeky.

Will try to get it on camera :P

She's been playing chase with Mummy doing the chasing. She'd ask for milk, we go into the bedroom, lie down, she'd drink a bit, rolls over, broad cheek smile and laugh, and off she goes, backing down the bed. Daring Mummy to chase her and bring her back on the bed. She'll do this until Mummy's tired and won't play along. Then she'd either go out, or come back onto bed and cry til Mummy gets up or she tires.

First independent steps @ 13 mths 2 wks!!!

I was starting to worry...


She took 3 steps at a time towards Papa on our living room floor, and a couple more times towards Mummy or the TV bench between 9pm and 10pm!

Small steps, sometimes dragging the foot, sometimes crawling fractions of an inch with toes, and the rare times when she lifted the whole foot and puts it forward!

Incidentally, we bought her a pair of fitting and less slippery (solid rubber base) shoes from Metro yesterday. Wow, children's shoes are expensive, $29.90! It's the most comfortable, smooth interiors, soft leather, solid rubber base. We tested a couple of designs and sizes, she's using the smallest size 13 with about 1cm of space at the toes.

Got myself a shopping trolley with folding seat @ $19.90 but one of the wheels came off when Lougong was rolling it home! Hope I can find out what's wrong and fix it.

I think she's been walking on our fingers pretty well. It's just that she hasn't done it by herself, and wants to hang on to us. I've also brought her down to playground nearly everyday for the past 4 days where she sees many other little children, one who's only slightly bigger than her, walk on their own. Also, I've begun to let go of one finger, and tell her, 1 hand only, and she can still cruise pretty well. And I think that was what did it for Ning's walking too :)

Last night, Mummy coaxed Ning, saying she can walk really well, even without hands. Asked her to walk to Papa, just a few steps. At first she was uncertain, wanted to sit down or hold Papa's hands. So we pat the floor in front of her. And when she inched a little, we clapped and made a big deal of it! Then she stood up on her own and tried a few more times!

Ah, happiness!!!

2 sick gals

With running and stuffy noses.

She's still alert and active, even with 2 streams of mucous running. Only sign of discomfort is when she sleeps, we hear the stuffy nose laboriously doing its job.

This is her first cold. Mummy's got it too, with headache. Her mucous turned green yesterday. Its been 3 days now. Hope we get better soon.

Nai (Milk in Cantonese) and Tata (Goodbye)

Popo and Gong Gong was here for less than 10 days and she's already saying "Nai nai nai nai.." and waving "Ta ta ta ta"...

Last night, after Popo & Gong Gong left for home, she flipped the two-sided grandparents photo frame around, scratched at Gong Gong's face, then pointed at Popo's face, then frown. She looked at me sadly, as if saying, Popo & Gong Gong is missing tonight. I explained they've gone back to their own home, but we'll be visiting soon, then she moved on.

By bed time, she was doing a "Popo" look, sucking her upper lip in and pouting her lower lip up and getting all excited. It's quite sad, Popo & Gong Gong's gone home and no one to compete with her...

The picture below shows what doing a "Popo" means... taken in Jun 2010, at 7 months old.

Forgot to note this, she scratched Gong Gong's..

photo when I showed her the pictures in her photo album. We went thru the whole album and that was the only picture she frowned, and then scratched. As if saying, "Where is Gong Gong?"

That was about 2 weeks ago. I called up Gong Gong to tell him. He was very happy to hear that.

I feel so happy, thankful

We have Ning.

Papa joined us for a nap earlier. When she woke, she was smiling and playful. I love to hear her pleased sounds.

I love blowing on her stomach, making sounds like letting wind rip. Nowadays, she does it to me too. Sometimes she misses, I can hear blowing, but mostly she succeeds.

The best thing is, Mummy giggles, and she smiles blissfully. She's doing things to please us. Sometimes Papa doesn't realize it yet. She blew on Papa's stomach but received no response.

Sometimes, we teach her stuff like how to hit the drum with drumsticks, and when she finally hits it, we fail to show appreciation, either we've moved on to other things or take it for granted she'd learn it sooner or later. Only on afterthought, we'd applause and praise her.

We really need to appreciated the little person's achievements more. It shouldn't be taken for granted until a milestone is missed.

I love this little person. Here she comes trying to climb up my legs.

Drooling a lot

Since last week. Chewing and drooling a lot. It definitely isn't because of hunger because she won't have puffs, crackers, porridge or milk.

I suspect the last 2 upper incisors are the culprits. Let's hope they quickly make an appearance soon without further delay.

Her neck is also wet! Ah!