So it begins... Sun, 10 Jun 2012

With a nature's call at 3:30am on Sunday morning. On wiping, brown discharge was found, 3 times in a row.

Nothing on pad in the morning. But each toilet visit, the brown discharge was there. By noon, on washing, few clots of red and brown discharge bout 2 inches went down the drain. Still nothing on pad.

It is Sunday night now, 9:30pm, still the same. Brown discharge on washing but nothing on panties (pad removed). Should I start on the antibiotics now? Gosh, wished i could call up to ask!!!

Gotta put a few pads in my bag for the office tomorrow.

Mon, 11 Jun: this morning the discharge turned black. Went to KKH just to be sure everything is okay. Very giddy. 24-hrs clinic doctor on duty was emphatic, said expect miscarriage any day now, and yes to start antibiotics. She covered me with medical leave til Thursday.

Tue, 12 Jun, evening: The pain begins. The cramps started at dinner time. Lasted til bed time, was turning and groaning on sofa for fear of waking Ning.

Wed, 13 Jun, 4:30am: Woke up with urge to use toilet. Saw red looking over tummy. Went to bathroom to wash. On squatting, many clumps of liver like tissues fell out with gush of blood. Kept the water running til the drainage hole was covered. Every time i stood up, i felt something flow down legs. Had to squat again.

This carried on for almost an hour. Lougong checked on me, i was afraid he would fear seeing the tissues, but luckily he did check. I was shaking. He brought in the potty to sit. Thats when i passed out the largest piece, the amniotic sac, shaped and size like the fat Taiwanese sausage.

Tried to dress up and get back to sleep about 6:00 am, but as I laid down on a newspaper lined sofa, pool of blood emerged again. I'm just amazed at how much tissues and blood the body can eject. Threw the panties and night dress away. Finally changed into Ning's diaper and disposable panties and slept til Ning woke at about 7:30am. Lougong had to send her to school so he can take care of me and other things later.

When he left i called the crematorium, undertaker and KKH. The undertaker thought Singapore hospitals were like the US, did mass cremations for fetuses and sea burials. Cost to do it ourselves with prayers around $750 ($50 cremation; coffin $450; $250 prayers). And we needed the doctors permit to cremate. So we went to KKH and checked the rites out.

Doctor recommended admission and 'washing' procedure, but I want to let nature complete its course at home. She relented. They checked the fetus remains handling, confirmed that it'll be discarded as  bio hazard wastes. We asked for permit to cremate. On return, i slept til it was time for Lougong to fetch Ning. Realized i haven't felt the urge to pass urine all day. Drank more red date and ginger water. Lougong arranged the body collection tomorrow at 9:00am.

That night, I distinctly hear something drop on the potty after Ning slept. I passed it out into the potty the morning. I was afraid for Ning. Just wanted this nightmare to be over.

:"(

14 Jun: A man came with some NEA forms to sign and then returned with a big plastic box for my little one's body. We put it in a small white box and wrapped it up with plastic, just in case it shed any more blood or fluids. We had to wait til evening for the cremation slot.

Attended the chanting by a Buddhist monk at Toa Payoh, near Toyogo warehouse. Then Lougong went with them to the Mandai Crematorium for final prayers and actual cremation. They had a box of HL milk with straw on the little coffin.

I went to take Ning home.

15 Jun: We went to collect the ashes from Mandai, there was barely any, at most half a teaspoonful. Then we went out to scattered the ashes at sea.

Fast forward, 1 month later:
I haven't been sleeping well. The dreams of the experience kept haunting me, replay and replay. It is very hard for me to sleep.

In the days before, I kept myself busy, housekeeping, watch dramas, online shopping, houskeeping, shopping. But the nights kept me tortured.

With scarcely enough sleep, I held on to fact I have to be a good Mum to Ning. I had whacked her once, so hard and so long, for not eating that I broke down. I just lost it. My neighbour's new born baby's cries make me cry. People laughing outside / nearby. I want to cry. My mind is devoid of reasoning, just emotions.

Am back at work and trying to hold it together, but it's difficult.

This place reminds me of the stress I went thru before we discovered the fetus heart had stopped beating. How long before this nightmare is over?

This isn't how I imagined my home

Would be.

And certainly not how my child's room will be. I need to change the way I live to how I want it to be, before more of my life passed me by.

Call this a midlife crisis. Wake up call. Whatever.

It's time to throw out some stuff that no longer serves their purpose. Lougong, I need your help!!!

Ning shows empathy watching BabyTV

I've noticed her demonstrating exaggerated emotions like coughing/crying sometimes while watching TV. I thought she was sleepy and acting up at first. Then, I watched closer.

I saw her watch a bird being kicked by the hippo (by accident), and it fell over. It was suppose to be funny, but she coughed and "cried". Not long afterwards, Humpty Dumpty came on. The ball knocked Humpty Dumpty off the wall and off came his hat and he looked sad. Then she did it again! It's like she's telling Mummy, "Oh no! Humpty Dumpty fell down."

I wonder when she'll start trying to hit the "bad" characters on the TV, like the hippo. 

*grin*

Afternote (29 Apr 2011):

Today, the nursery rhyme came up again. This time, Ning is visibly and certainly distressed. She was already shouting out in distress before the ball hit Humpty Dumpty. I had to assure her that the fairy will make him alright at the end to prevent the tears from falling.

Slightly earlier, while watching "Love" ("Ai"), the foster mother was giving away the baby boy back to his birth mother, and the baby boy was crying and reaching for the foster mother and father. She stood in front of the television and pointed at the boy and at both parents, as if telling them and me, that he wants the foster parents to carry him! And she pulled Mummy to the television. I explained that the foster mother is very ill and may die, so she couldn't take care of him. She has to return him to his birth mother to care. Then she didn't pursue the matter anymore.

Whoa, complex!!!

Yay (and claps) !

She's been doing this all week!

Just today, she woke up and used the toilet early morning. When she finished peeing on the potty, she said, "Yay!" and clapped!

She'd finish knocking all the pegs in and drops her hammer, says "yay" and clapped!

Then she put the blocks up and knocks them down, says "yay" and claps!

So adorable!!

Poor ants!

I noticed a little black ant today and pointed it out to Ning.

She immediately started stamping her foot on the floor. She was trying to crush the poor little thing, but her aim was not perfect, so it looked hilarious. She followed the ant, foot stamping, to the door, and got on all fours, took her Minnie Mouse shoe and tried to swat it! It was really very funny to watch.

Later on, in the living room, an ant emerged from the foam mat, and this time, she got it with one stamp of her foot.

Poor little ant.

Mummy explained the ants didn't do us any harm, so we shouldn't crush it. How'd she like if someone crushed Ning (hand pressing gently down on Ning's head)? She shook her head. Then nodded when I told her not to kill ants anymore. Let's see if she remembers it the next time we see an ant.

After note: Later, Papa told me he taught her to kill the ant with her foot because she was doing it with her hand, to protect her. Shouldn't we teach her to walk away instead, lest she follows it to the nest and swats it...

Pouty Ning

Her new look, pouting her lips and making the "ooo ooo" sound.

She'd do this when climbing steps, bending over, or anything that takes effort.

Funny.

We don't do it, wonder where she picked it up from.

First slightly easier bedtime since...

... a long time ago, at least it seems like it.

Today, Pa and I had dinner with Ning in the high chair until 8:30pm. Ning started "aaaah"ing and shouting, some of her usual sleepy signs, besides rubbing her eyes, or fingering her ears.

I carried her into the bedroom. This time, instead of putting her down to nurse, I skipped that part and started rocking her. A couple of times after she started to put her head on my chest, I placed her on the bed to nurse. She turned away and cried a little bit, and then a big sigh, and was asleep. In less than 5 minutes!

Today, she slept over 3 hrs in the afternoon. Tonight, she was asleep by 8:30pm. She must be really tired with the crawling.

Hope it works tomorrow!

Pottying situation update @ 7.5m

Ning's still going to the potty.

Some weeks, I don't even need to scrub a single soiled (poo) diaper. At others, especially after introducing new foods (like watermelon) she'd go in her diaper and more often.

When the weather's really cool and feels like we're in an air-conditioned environment, she wets more diapers at night or while napping than her usual 8 per day.

And it's been really cool recently. Good for long naps, but the laundry piles up pretty quickly and drying takes more than half a day. So by the end of the day, I'd be rushing to fold them before the last diaper is used up.

Hmm, we haven't reached the tipping point for going diaper free yet, which is three or less diapers a day.

Am planning to get her a sturdier Bjorn potty from Mothercare so that she can sit on it by herself now that she's become quite professional at sitting up without support :) Let's hope I'll "bump" into a potty sale at Mothercare's soon!

Sucking lips

She's recently started this really adorable sucking lips habit. I'd love to catch it the camera. It really reminds me of someone... someone like... Popo ?
 
Hee hee, it'd make a cute entree in the 3-6 months DVD.

First cold (runny nose, cough)

We both got our first cold since Ning's arrival.
 
It's been raining daily and I've been sleeping in milk drenched tops. That's how I got it last weekend. It got really bad on Sun, 11 Apr 2010, and Lougong took leave to take care of both of us on Monday.
 
Thankfully, the worst is over and we're on our way to recovery, hopefully very soon.
 
Her runny nose is almost to the last drip, and my cough is almost gone.

Finishing Line in Sight @ Wk 38

It's been a long run...

We're now seeing the obstetrician weekly.
Am scheduled for a CTG (cardiotocograph, measures fetal heart rate and uterine contractions) and ultrasound scan to check baby's EFW (estimated fetal weight) and AFI (amniotic fluid index).
What it means is, we'll check if baby's ok and if there's enough amniotic fluid.

Been very tired, taking 3 hr naps is becoming a norm.
Regularly irregular Braxton Hicks, which started as early as 7th month, are making me sore sometimes. Not painful, but quite sore, imagine having a little one grinding against your urinary tract on average 4 times an hour, and everytime it happens, your whole stomach goes really tight and you have to pant to catch your breath. Hmm, not painful, but not exactly a walk in the park either :)

Been tracking my weight. Wow, this week, I've gained 14 kg since my 3rd month *gasp* Think I'm even heavier than Lougong now.

Another thing, Lougong says he thinks he saw stretch marks on my underbelly! It couldn't be! Mummy & BB both didn't have any. And this was suppose to be hereditary. Hmm, anyway, you can't control these things, not even if you applied creams, I read. So no point crying over spilt milk :) I'm sure the cosmetic industry has ways and means to reduce / undo this once Lougong and I've had enough kids :)

Alright, that's all for now!

Thoughts & Baby's Patterns @ Week 34

Baby's very active.

I would often stop what I was and just enjoy feeling baby moving inside. Sometimes you can even see the belly move!

Almost every meal time and a while after that, baby will start to fidget. Lougong, right?

When Lougong puts a hand on the belly during the active period, baby will even 'pop-up' under his hand. Funny Lougong, he'd jerk his hand back as if afraid of it. Lougong says quite 'geli' :P

Recently, while watching television after dinner, I would lie flat on my back and watch my belly change shape. Baby would take the opportunity to 'stretch'. My whole belly would distort from big round dome to diagonal bump from my bottom right stomach up to my left hand side just below the left breast. I didn't know they could do that :) Hee hee, we didn't take any pictures yet, coz usually don't wear much by then, VERY HOT.

Even in the day time, sometimes, my belly will show a bump on the right while the left hand side is 'deflated'. Then I'd really feel the stretch :)

Another observation is, baby tend to 'hiccup' a lot. Can feel it. 1 week at least a few times. Nobody knows why baby 'hiccup' in the womb. *puzzled*

Alright, that's all for now.

Been feeling very heavy and tired recently. Taken 3-4 hr naps every weekend since last week.

Thoughts while expecting

I love children :)
Hmm, maybe not when they misbehave :P
I love children!

We've been waiting and planning for this baby for the longest time :)
After birth I'll take up to 18 months leave to nurse her till she's ready for childcare. Then I'll work part-time, probably half-days :) So that I can spend more time with her.

On Work
So far, my Bosses have no objections to my request and I can take up to 12 months of no-pay leave for childcare, in addition to whatever maternity leave and vacation leave I'm entitled to i.e. minimum 14+ months. I'm so glad. My colleagues have been really kind and supportive during my pregnancy so far. One even offers to buy snacks for me during tea time, almost daily.

Lougong has also agreed that if I am granted the leave, he will support me quite early on. Hope you still remember ;)

On Family Support
Lougong's Mummy's resigning from her waitressing work at the hotel restaurant to help us out after the birth of the Huas' first grandchild. I'm thankful that she's so readily taken up the challenge, sacrificing her social life in KL and coming to Singapore to help out.

From her last visit 2 weeks ago, I could tell, she wouldn't miss the job, but what she will miss most is the socializing on the job, her regular customers, her sisters-in-crime (no lah, just a bunch of really good buddies who's been thru a lot with her) and finally, though she did not say it that obviously, Papa, Ah B and Ah Da. Hee hee, as for Ah Lit, you're going to NUS, and hmm, maybe she'll ask you to come home for dinner during the weekends ;) So, do be prepared to keep your weekend meal times free hor.

Mummy and BB have both been really supportive, reassuring me that all I need is to ask, they'll go along with whatever plans I have. Baba's a little uncertain of how to small talk bout the baby till, maybe, when he can carry the little one in his arms :) They're all coming down after the birth of the baby.

I'd like to have all of you with me when the baby arrives, but my 2 guest rooms can only fit 2 couples +/- 1/2 children comfortably. Need to give accomodation and logistics a little bit more thought.